Today is August 28th… I didn’t think I would be here today and my Mom would be struggling for each breath still. I honestly thought she would have gone to be with Jesus days ago. We are finding ourselves in a hard place right now… I personally go back and forth between the special moments we are getting with her throughout the day, and desiring her to go and be with Jesus and end the suffering and pain.
We are going on day 5 of being in hospice. The care and love that Mom is getting here is phenomenal. The nurses here are like angels from heaven. I don’t know how they do it, but they manage to care for the patience in some amazing ways.
So… My Mom. There is so much that could be said about my mom. These last days we have been blessed with some very sweet memories and conversations with my Mom. Over the last 4 days there have been pockets of times when she will be awake and lucid. She has very little energy, so speaking, conversing, laughing, and anything else is hard for her. In those times of lucidity she has given us some 1-liners that we will never forget. She has been zinging some funny phrases out. In a time when it seems that she is out of it, she will come out of nowhere with a funny little something. For example, I was giving her a drink of water, asking if she needed anything else. Her words to me were (in a raspy quiet voice) “That’s very considerate Josh, but there’s no money left in the inheritance”. We got a good laugh out of that one.
We have had some very intimate moments with her. Some very hard moments. In a time like this you say things that you wish you never have to say. We have given her permission to go and be with Jesus in streets of gold. She has asked us if we are going to be alright without her… That is a VERY hard question to answer.
AND… in all of this, my Mom is still the same old Mom. She is completely concerned about putting others out. She continues to make sure we are OK. She continues to look for my Dad, and has asked us to make sure he is OK. Her selfless giving is staying true to the very end.
In these last moments with my Mom, I have learned a lot about love, faith, and family. Each time I walk out of the room I make sure to tell my Mom I lover her. She responds with “I Love You Josh”, which are the most precious words I can hear at this time. I never know if when I walk out if that will be the last time I hear her say my name. I have learned about a new depth of love… Watching my Dad care for and love my Mom is something to behold. The way God gives us the strength to go on in these moments is so tangible. Beyond love, there is a new understanding of Faith that I have. It is one thing to talk about faith, but a completely different thing to watch it in action. When you are faced with death, and continue to trust that God is up to good. My Mom has taken moments to let us know she is ready for heaven… Imagine someone you love telling you that they are ready to go be with Jesus in the moments she is facing it. Unbelievable.
Thank you to all of our friends and family that have been praying for us. We have felt an unbelievable sense of support and love from everyone. These have been some sweet times for us… but hard.